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"Two Nuns..."

Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on June 21, 2011 at 2:08 PM Comments comments (0)

     There were two nuns: One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),  and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).  It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.


SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.  


SL: It's logical.  He wants to rape us.


SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?


SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.  


SM: It's not working.  


SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.  


SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.  


SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.  


*(So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.  Sister Mathematical, arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical, arrives).* 


SM: Sister Logical, Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!


SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. 


SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?


SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.


SM: And?  


SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.


SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?  


SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.  


SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?  


SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.  


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?  


SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.  


*Those of you who thought it would be dirty; SHAME ON YOU*


(UNKNOWN)


"7 TYPES OF RICKSHAW DRIVERS..."

Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on June 8, 2011 at 12:21 AM Comments comments (1)


     In Mumbai(Bombay), India: Rickshaw drivers comes in a variety of race, religions and species. I have divided these rickshaw drivers in several categories. They are as follows:


1. The Angry One:  This species of rickshaw drivers is a frustrated soul. He has had several anger management issues; one that tops the list is being called ‘bhaiyya’. So this bhaiyya ji…err…rickshaw driver takes his anger out on the road. They will drive at breakneck speeds (passengers can literally break their necks sitting in this rickshaw), honk endlessly, spew countless swear words, and remove their misery on the other travelers. This specie is very likely to get into physical fights with other drivers who they crash into, mainly BEST bus drivers (who are a different specie all together!)

2. The Drunkard:   The name is self-explanatory, isn’t it? This is a sub-specie of ‘The Angry One’, and they prefer to drown their misery in a bottle of ‘desi tharra’ and then rule the road. It’s easy to spot this specie, since you can smell the alcohol all the way from China. Their speech is slurred, they drive loopily, and are once again, very likely to get into accidents. They might even start talking to you, crying or laughing. If you value your life, don’t travel by this auto.

3. The Yapper:  If this species gets a chance at an alternate career, he would love to host a talk show. Where only he talks. Yappers open their mouth the moment you sit in the auto, and shut up the moment you get off. They don’t need you to initiate the conversation; they can pretty much begin on their own, starting with their favorite dialogue: “Aaj traffic bahut zyada hai!” They then move on to topics ranging from Himes bhai’s new moojic, to discussing the nuances of Marxist theories. They are so apt at speaking; they will continue talking even if your ears are plugged to your music player. It is very hard to notice a Yapper from afar, so if you wish to avoid this situation, best keep your mouth shut in all your future rickshaw rides.

4. The Dhinchak:  This species loves his ride. They love it so much; they take it on their onus to decorate it with every loud and garish item possible. Both sides of the passenger seat will have images of Bollywood(Indian Hindi Film Industry) beauties, looking at you lustily. Their stereos will be complete with surround sound, sub woofers, and what not. They are Himes bhai’s(a Hindi singer) biggest patrons, and they will play his music extremely loud, till the point where blood seeps out through your ears. They will have the customary “Tum kab wapas aaoge” sticker on their rear-view mirror (which is, of course, only a decorative commodity!) There will also be a porn movie blue light which will shine throughout the ride. Fresh flowers, plastic flowers, agarbattis, pepsi bottles filled with black shiny liquid, you will find them all in a Dhinchak’s ride. If you appreciate Indian kitsch, hitch a ride.

5. The @##hole:  This is the worst of the species. They take personal pleasure in making the ride a hellish experience for the passenger. They tamper with the meters, making them run at a speed of Rs. 5 per second. They letch at the female passengers, stop in the middle of the road to talk on their cellphones, spit all over Bombay, deliberately drive over pot holes to make the ride extra bumpy, fake a tyre puncture if they don’t want to ply beyond a certain point…I can go on and on! These leeches think they can get away with anything, and 90% of the time, they do. If you get the slightest indication that the auto driver belongs to the @##hole category, leave immediately or get ready for a back breaking ride, where you will be cheated off of your hard earned money.

6. The Millionaire:  This parasitic species makes its presence felt in all the auto drivers categories. These are a super rich species…they are even richer than the Tatas and the Ambanis! They feel that the people of Bombay rely completely on their services. But they are so rich, they don’t even bother. Auto driving is a hobby for them, a mere sport. That’s why they blatantly refuse passengers who ask them to go to a certain location. Even if they fall on their feet and beg the specie to allow them a ride, they will just raise their noses high and speed off. On a good day, if they feel like it, they tauntingly agree to ply the passenger. You should consider yourself super lucky if the Millionaire allows you a ride.

7. The Honest One:  Rarest of the rare! The chances of getting into an auto driven by the 'Honest One' are one in a million. They don’t tamper with the meters, so you don’t end up paying exorbitant rates. They drive at a normal pace, follow traffic rules, don’t talk much, and help you with loading luggage, if need be. The chances of finding the Honest One are rare, since it’s an endangered specie. Slowly, the other six species of auto drivers are luring the Honest One to join the dark side. In the rare occasion you do land up in an Honest One’s ride, please thank your lucky stars you got to see one before they disappear completely.

                                     

                                                                (Anonymous)

"PUNS: CONFUCIOUS DID NOT SAY.... "

Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on June 8, 2011 at 12:19 AM Comments comments (0)

 

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally, Confucious Did Not Say...."A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!" ;-)

 


THE THREE PARROTS...

Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on April 9, 2011 at 9:15 PM Comments comments (0)


     A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.  The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.

 

He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?"


 The owner said it was "$250."

"$250", the man said. "Well what does he do?"

"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2010, responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."

 

The man then asked what the second parrot cost.


The clerk replied, "$500, but he not only knows Office 2010, but is an expert computer programmer."

 

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.

The clerk replied, "$1,000."

Curious as to how a bird can cost $1000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.

The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.  But the other two call him 'THE BOSS.' "

 

(Unknown)

A CASE IN HISTORY (A TRUE STORY)...

Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on April 2, 2011 at 8:30 AM Comments comments (0)

     A few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees.  The student struck a deal saying, "I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court." Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course.  When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days. Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.  The teacher put forward his argument saying:  "If I win this case, as per the court of law, the student has to pay me as the case is about his non-payment of dues.  And if I lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case.  So either way I will have to get the money."  Equally brilliant student argued back saying:  "If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues.  And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet.So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything...."  

*This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history.


ULTIMATE LOVE LETTER...

Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on March 30, 2011 at 7:47 AM Comments comments (0)

Sweetheart ,

                    I've seen you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time I've been lonely; this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is an uncompiled program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless.

                   You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful; it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.

                    When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. /*which I never experienced before.*/

                  With this letter, I just want to convey to you that if we are linked together, I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life.

                  I anticipate that nobody has already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And its all but certain that if this happened to me, my system will crash beyond recovery.  Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox. Error free... 


                                                                                               Regards, 

                                                                                                   Software Programmer:  

                                                                                                     Today this company,

                                                                                                       Tomorrow that Company,

                                                                                                         But always want your Company!


P.S.;  The Author is Unknown.  However; it is safe to assume that this is likely-hood when a Computer Programer decides to write a love letter...;-)