Why People Reject Us and What We Can Do About It....
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on October 11, 2014 at 7:30 AM||comments ()|
“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl
There’s probably no worse feeling in life than the feeling of being rejected. Whether it’s from the opposite sex, a friend or family member, or co-workers, the feeling that our presence is not wanted or no longer welcomed can cause us to feel hurt and become defensive.
I’ve learned a couple of ways of dealing with rejection when it arises in various situations, and for taking the sting out of it.
The first thing to realize is that rejection isn’t personal. Not really, anyway. It only seems that way because that’s how we tend to look at it.
I’ve found that when people reject us, there are times when there’s something we can learn from it, and there are other times when it’s completely on the other person.
So, let’s take a look at these two experiences of rejection, and discuss ways for dealing with them…
When Our Behavior Turns Others Off:-
People sometimes reject us because of the behavior we exhibit in our interactions with them. When people feel uncomfortable, they’re instinctively going to want to prevent themselves from experiencing annoyance or irritation. And their obvious solution is to remove themselves from our presence.
The result is that we end up feeling rejected by it.
But that’s why rejection isn’t personal. In this case, they’re not rejecting us; they’re rejecting our behavior.
And though it is true that we sometimes associate and attribute our behavior with our identities, it’s not really the case. After all, if you change some of your behavior, aren’t you still the same person? Just because you choose to act in a different way, that doesn’t mean you’re not yourself.
When I was twenty, I had a big crush on a girl I worked with. We went out a few times and it seemed to start off well. But slowly, she started to pull away and avoid me.
It stung. And for a while, I couldn’t figure out what went wrong. I thought about what a great guy I thought I was, and wondered why she couldn’t see that, and why she wasn’t coming to her senses.
But I soon realized that my problem was this: I was focused on why she should like me, not why she didn’t.
I later discovered that I had been acting in ways that made her uncomfortable, ways that turned her off and repelled her, all without realizing it at the time.
I’d call her too often, I’d give her too much attention, always lingering around, I’d buy her gifts to try to buy her affections… the list went on and on.
Once I discovered that these things turned her off, I set out to eliminate them from my interactions in the future. And my results in the dating department changed drastically when I did.
There are lots of behaviors that make almost everyone feel uncomfortable, including dumping our complaints on others, acting needy and clingy, bragging about ourselves, being defensive and argumentative, being overly critical and judgmental of other people, and many more.
Addressing these behaviors takes some introspection. We have to discover what’s motivating them in the first place. And what usually motivates them, ironically, is the desire to gain approval from others.
When we recognize these behaviors and work on them, we’re less likely to make others feel uncomfortable. This doesn’t guarantee other people won’t reject us, but it does decrease the odds that they’ll want to avoid us.
When We Fail To Meet Others’ Expectations:-
People can also reject us because of their own personal prejudices, values, or beliefs.
I’m talking about those situations where someone else has certain expectations for us that we don’t meet up to. This is the case of the son who wants to be a musician, but whose father wants him to be a lawyer. If the son pursues his dream, his dad is going to reject him.
Or the introverted and reserved boyfriend who feels rejected because his girlfriend criticizes him for not being more outgoing, like her.
Sometimes rejection is simply caused by an incompatibility of values, beliefs, or personality types between people.
This is that scenario where rejection happens because people disagree with our life choices, or because they simply have different opinions, lifestyles, or personalities than us.
In these cases, all you can really do is accept that someone else is rejecting you because of their expectations for you. Again, it isn’t really personal. It’s often due to someone else’s inability to accept you for who and where you are. And they are entitled to that choice.
Accept that this is generally their issue, not yours. Or it could just be a compatibility issue neither of you is responsible for.
Knowing How to Respond to Rejection:-
It’s not always easy to recognize if there’s something to learn from rejection, or if the rejection is merely a consequence of someone else’s unmet expectations. But the distinction becomes much clearer when we develop self-awareness about our behaviors and how they affect others.
Either way, understanding the causes of rejection can take the sting out of it, because it’s never about who we are. It’s about what we’re doing. And we can either work to change that, or recognize that someone else is unable to accept it, and that’s completely on them.
By : Keenan Patram
Visit him at : http://www.keenanpatram.com/blog/
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on October 9, 2014 at 6:55 AM||comments ()|
Rethinking Mistakes And Recognizing The Good In "Bad" Choices...
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on October 3, 2014 at 7:10 AM||comments ()|
“Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.”
For most of my life, I’ve seen the world in black and white, and I’ve felt constricted and pained as a result.
When I was a young girl, I believed there were good people and bad people, and I believed I was bad.
When I was an adolescent, I believed there was good food and bad food, and because everything tasty fell into the latter category, I channeled the shame from feeling bad into bulimia.
And when I grew into adulthood, I believed there were good decisions and bad decisions, which may sound like a healthy belief system, but this created extreme anxiety about the potential to make the “wrong” choice.
When you see life as a giant chess game, with the possibility of winning or losing, it’s easy to get caught up in your head, analyzing, strategizing, and putting all your energy into coming out victorious.
Back then, I thought for sure that if I made a misstep, I’d end up unhappy and unfulfilled, not to mention unworthy and unlovable—because there was a right path and a wrong path, and it was disgraceful to not know the difference.
One pointed toward success and bliss (which I desperately wanted to follow), and one led to certain doom.
With this in mind, I thought long and hard before moving to Spokane, Washington, at twenty-two. To live with a stranger I’d met on the Internet. And had only known for two months and met in person once.
Okay, so I didn’t really think long and hard. But I felt in my gut, when we first connected, that this was the right choice for me.
In fact, I felt certain, something I rarely felt about anything (except my innate bad-ness).
He told me we were soul mates, which was exactly what I wanted to hear, especially after spending six months bouncing from hospital to hospital, trying find the worth and substance locked somewhere within my cage of bones.
It made sense to me that, if I had a soul mate, he wouldn’t live right next door.
Disney may tell us it’s a small world, but it’s not; and I thought for sure there was something big awaiting me 3,000 miles from my hometown near Boston.
People told me I was making a mistake when I shared the details of my plan.
Some said I was too fragile to move out of my parents’ house, even if I’d planned to move close to home.
Some said I was a fool to think this man was my soul mate, or that I had one at all.
Some said I’d one day regret this choice and that they’d have to say “I told you so.”
But I felt absolutely confident in my decision—until he came to Massachusetts, two weeks before I was scheduled to move, to meet me for the first time.
I knew, right then, it was wrong, somewhere in my gut. I didn’t feel even the slightest spark, but my “soul mate” and I had already planned a new life together. Before we’d even met.
And I didn’t want to admit I’d made the wrong choice—not to him, who I was sure would be devastated, and not to the others, who I feared would be smug and self-righteous.
So I moved across the country anyway, thinking that maybe I’d feel differently after getting to know him better.
If you’ve ever seen a movie, you know exactly how things didn’t pan out. Since life isn’t a romantic comedy, I didn’t eventually realize he was my soul mate and fall madly in love.
Instead, our individual demons battled with each other, we fought for the better part of six months, and we eventually broke each other’s spirits, broke down, and then broke up.
You could say, after reading this, that I had made the wrong choice—especially knowing that I knew, the day I met him, that he wasn’t the man for me.
You could say I’d chosen a bad path, running away from home in a misguided attempt to outrun who I had been.
These are things I assumed I’d think if I ever decided it was time to leave.
And yet I didn’t think these things at all. In fact, this was the very first time I broadened my vision to see not just shades of grey, but a whole rainbow of vibrant colors.
Yes, I’d made an impulsive choice, largely driven by fear and fantasy. Yes, I’d acted against my instincts. And yet I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it had not been the “wrong” choice.
Because right then, I realized that, despite things not working out as I planned, I’d learned and grown through the experience, and it had served a purpose, even if not the one I originally envisioned.
Our demons colliding was a blessing, not a curse, because it forced us both to more closely examine how our issues affected our relationships—mine being toxic shame and destructive tendencies, and his being his business, and not for public consumption.
Moving so far away was valuable, not shameful, because it taught me the difference between running away from what I didn’t want and running toward what I did—a lesson I struggled to apply for many more years, but, nonetheless, now understood.
And acting against my instinct was a good thing, not a bad thing, because it taught me to listen to my intuition in the future, even if I might disappoint someone else—a lesson I may never have fully embraced without having had this experience.
That’s the thing about “wrong” choices; they usually teach us things we need to know to make the right choices for us going forward; things we can only learn in this way.
Notice that I wrote “the right choices for us”—not the “right choices.” Because the thing is, there are no right choices.
There isn’t one single way that we should live our lives, or else we’ll be unhappy. There isn’t one path that will lead us to success, bliss, and fulfillment.
There isn’t a straight ladder we’re meant to climb, hitting milestone after milestone until we emerge at the top, victorious, with the view to show for it.
There’s just a long, winding road of possibilities, each with lessons contained within it—lessons that can help us heal the broken parts of ourselves and find beautiful pieces we never knew existed. Pieces we couldn’t know existed until we made choices and saw how we felt.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned since that very first move, over a decade ago, it’s that life never offers any guarantees. And it can also be incredibly ironic.
Sometimes the people who seem to make all the right choices are the least happy with the people they’re being and the lives they’re leading.
We could spend our whole lives looking for external validation that we’re following a path that’s “good”—living in a narrow, black-and-white world, feeling terrified of making mistakes.
Or, we could commit to finding something good in every step along the way, knowing that the only real mistake is the choice not to grow.
I don’t know if this is right for everyone. But I know this is right for me.
On this Technicolor journey of unknown destination, I am not good nor bad, not right nor wrong, but most importantly, not restricted. In this world of infinite possibility, at all turns, I am free.
By : Lori Deschene
*(She is the Founder of Tiny Buddha : Simple Wisdom for Complex Lives)*
Visit her at : tinybuddha.com
Are Limiting Beliefs Holding You Back and Making You Feel Bad...?
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on September 28, 2014 at 7:50 AM||comments ()|
“If you believe yourself to be limited in some way, whether or not it is true, it becomes true for you.” ~Brian Tracy
I have often wondered why the most formative years of one’s life, in early childhood, tend to be the hardest for us to recall.
Most of us cannot even begin to tap into those memories. Those scant memories that do bubble up to the surface are often fog-tinged and dreamlike. Images or sensations may appear, but the linear, day-to-day recollection evades us.
Perhaps Mother Nature does have a sense of humor, because, oddly enough, it is usually only those traumatic or intense moments of our lives that seem to come up.
Can I remember winning the sack race when I was six? No. Do I recall my first day of school? I remember in vivid detail walking up to the school gates clutching onto my mother’s legs, panicking that I would never make any friends.
I have always thought that these types of memories don’t simply vanish into thin air but rather get stored somewhere in our subconscious.
The problem is that we don’t know the password to access them. The same can be said for things people said to us when we were young children. Those words and life lessons, whether positive or negative, became imprinted on our psyche.
If you were one of the lucky children that constantly heard “The world is your oyster” or “You can do anything you set your mind to,” you probably carried these beliefs into adulthood.
The positive reinforcement received from a young age seems to sustain a secure sense of self, which guides these people through their lives. More often than not, they turn out to be successful, because why wouldn’t they?
(Of course, there are those that receive positive reinforcement from a young age yet somehow morph into self-entitled monsters, but that’s another article).
If others tell you, and you believe, that there is nothing stopping you from achieving your dreams, then chances are you will take more risks in life and your life rewards will increase exponentially.
But what if the opposite were true? What if you were constantly fed a diet of negativity as a child?
If others regularly told you that “You will never amount to anything” and that “You are worthless,” what kind of foundation do you think that provided? A shaky one, and from shaky foundations come insecurity and a wavering sense of self.
Sure, some people who have this kind of upbringing find great success in life, but it is often overcompensation for this self-limiting belief that spurs people on to greater heights and bigger lives.
The drive comes from a need to prove that what they heard as children was wrong; it’s not a drive emanating from the belief “I deserve this” or, to quote L’Oreal, “because I’m worth it.”
I strongly believe that whatever our parents (or parental figures) told us during these formative years remains in our bodies on a subconscious level.
Have you ever had a situation when someone said or did something to you that felt like it struck a nerve? Did someone make a comment to you that unexpectedly brought back a plethora of sensations, fears, or worries that you haven’t felt in years? How does that happen?
We subconsciously reinforce those messages and viewpoints that our loved ones continually reinforced until they become our very own beliefs.
And then we unknowingly pass them on to our children, and on and on the cycle spins. But what would life be like if you could learn to separate yourself from a belief pattern that has no foundation of truth but nonetheless has a hold over you?
My self-limiting belief revolves around money and my attitude toward it. From a young age my parents worked very hard, holding multiple jobs and doing everything in their power to give us what we needed.
As they built their business together, their lives and incomes improved; however, their attitudes toward money did not.
Having come from a place of lack, they didn’t want us to find ourselves in that same place. So the constant message was that saving money is important, and they frowned upon spending frivolously. We learned that you buy only what you need.
While these financial beliefs helped me greatly in certain aspects of my life, I’ve run into some residual issues as a result. In the dominant memories of shopping with my mother, the all important question was not “Do you like it?” but rather “How much is it?”
My mother did not encourage spending on anything but the basics, and she hardly ever splurged on herself.
I internalized the message that it is a bad thing to treat yourself to nice things.
Years later, despite having worked hard to find myself in a financially stable position, the first thing I do when out shopping is to look at the price tag. The voice in my head tells me it’s too expensive. I tell myself, “You don’t need this; what are you thinking?”
In the event that I decide that I do, in fact, need it and like it very much, I drag myself to the register yet spend a good thirty minutes afterward berating myself.
I am fully aware that I do this, but can’t seem to stop myself.
The first step toward change is awareness, and I am consciously aware that I’m a work in progress.
These days when I find myself in the midst of a heated argument with myself in the fitting room mirror, I give myself a pep talk. “Do you like it? Can you afford it?” If the answer is a resounding “yes,” I go right ahead.
So, what’s your self-limiting belief? How does this way of thinking hold you back in life? By encouraging an open dialogue, we can begin to free ourselves from the invisible shackles of these negative beliefs.
The more we hear, read, or speak a word or phrase, the more power it has over us. By staying aware and refuting these beliefs as they come up, their authority starts to wane.
Being consciously aware that we have the power to choose how we think can be wonderfully liberating. We no longer need to react according to some outdated belief system that we inherited, which doesn’t serve our highest potential.
What we choose to shine a light on can no longer carry a hold over us. So maybe it’s time to get out the flashlight, get really honest, and work through those beliefs that no longer serve us so we can put them where they belong, in the trash.
By : Victoria Cox
*(She is a regular contributor to Amanda de Cadenet’s website The Conversation).
Stop Waiting For Life To Change: How To Feel At Peace Now...
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on September 18, 2014 at 7:20 AM||comments ()|
“Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.”
Humans are amazing creatures. We have so much potential to create, effect change, and love. We can generate and organize. We can grow and learn.
The unharnessed creative potential within us also means that we have the capacity for destruction. We can start wars over words, or follow our monkey minds into a frenzy of worry and distraction. We can keep on telling ourselves that when that one thing we want so badly happens, then everything will be better.
We are so creative that we believe our best lie to ourselves—that there is time available for us to waste on not finding inner peace. We’ll pin our hopes on the new car, new house, or new job instead and stay in limbo, waiting.
I had a transformational experience recently when I dug up my old journals from the last ten years and read them. I was feeling particularly miserable and a clear question popped into my head: have I just been going round in circles all this time?
I suddenly felt sharply aware that I had been in that place before many times—sad, demotivated, and looking for something to shift.
When I looked in the journals I saw that nearly every single time, I had tied my inner peace to an event or outcome.
For example, I had diary entries going back to my time in school where I was pinning all of my happiness on passing a particular exam or making a particular teacher like my work.
I have a diary from after I graduated where I was making myself sick with worry about getting on to the Masters program I wanted; if I could just get in then everything would be perfect.
I have an entry from two years ago where my only goal in life in a bad housing market was to sell the flat I owned that I desperately wanted to move out of. If I could just sell it then I could stop being unhappy and everything would be perfect.
Needless to say, with every single entry, as soon as the thing I needed to happen happened, after the briefest of celebrations, I moved onto another objective to pine miserably over.
It was always the same unhelpful, un-empowering mantra: If this goes well then I will be happy. If that goes well I can get on with living my happy, dream life. In the meantime, I would continue to allow myself to take no responsibility for my own happiness.
It hit me all at once, reading the entries back to back. For the last ten years or more, I have been putting off inner peace.
I have been evolving and changing in the beautiful way that humans do, and the journals were a testament to that, but the entire time, I was waiting for something to happen to me to make me happy. I cried. Not from sadness, but pure joy. I was finally free to be truly happy.
In that moment I realized to truly break the cycle and embrace life to the fullest, I needed to do the following, and I’m sharing these with you in the hope that you stop putting off your inner peace today.
1. Be grateful every single day:-
Gratitude is the grounding force of inner peace. We all have something to be grateful for every single day, and if we don’t think we do then that is the first sign that we are sacrificing our own inner peace for an ideal that doesn’t exist. Write down or tell somebody the one thing you are grateful for every day.
Social media is a great channel for this, as people are often projecting negativity into the world. Change the pattern. Make your status updates full of gratitude.
I regularly reflect on how grateful I am for my health, for my loved ones, and for my desire to help others. I am so grateful to be alive and to have this opportunity to connect with people so we can all work together to be better. I realize every day how lucky I am to have food, shelter, and health. Having these basic needs mean I can be lucky enough to think bigger and try to offer something back.
2. Do something that makes your heart sing every single day:-
It doesn’t matter if you don’t have the perfect job. It doesn’t matter if you’re having difficulty in a relationship or feeling lost. Just commit to doing one thing every single day that makes you feel happy.
It can be as simple as taking a walk, writing in your journal, or doing some yoga. The more space you create for your heart to sing in your life, the more you’ll realize the peace you already have inside of you. I personally choose to do one thing each day that helps me help others to feel bountiful, beautiful. and blissful. That makes my heart sing.
3. Stop looking for fixes outside of yourself:-
Everything you want and need, you already have and you already are. You don’t need to project onto other things. Notice those patterns in your behaviour and give yourself permission to let them go.
You are a being full of creative potential. You don’t need anything outside of yourself. You just need to tap into what’s already there.
When I begin to notice myself stressing out or falling into the patterns of pinning all my hopes on one thing, I close my eyes. I sit or lie down quietly and I breathe. I completely fill and empty my lungs with long, deep breaths and know that my body will ensure I get the oxygen and life force I need.
I know that this will keep my organs going and keep my heart pumping blood around my body. I know that the life force in the air I breathe will keep my spirit alive in a way that no mark in an exam, no Masters program, or no shiny new house ever will.
I lie back quietly and breathe until the part of me that knows everything is perfect the way it is arises and reminds me that’s the case, or until the part of me that is strong and determined offers me a plan for change that I can move forward with. I wait until I either accept my situation with grace or I am motivated to clear action.
I stop looking outside of myself and leaving myself in limbo even though the temptation is there. Sometimes I notice it’s happening, and I laugh. I laugh and the part of me that knows everything is or will be fine smiles inside. Then I breathe and close my eyes and connect to the resourceful woman I have inside of me who knows that all my real answers are within.
4. Be still:-
Your potential is resting inside of you waiting for you to notice it, like I do when I close my eyes to breathe. To allow it to flourish, be still. Practice yoga followed by a relaxation and a meditation. Sit quietly in the garden and breathe. Do whatever works for you to be still.
Be still so your can hear the whispering of your inner teacher who already knows the value of gratitude, joy. and the potential that you hold within.
Stop putting off inner peace. Start living bountifully today.
Visit her at : http://www.lovemindbodyheart.com/
Acceptance - No Strings Attached...
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on September 14, 2014 at 7:35 AM||comments ()|
This ad was posted on Craig’s List- “Broken guitar for sale – no strings attached.”
I’ve heard of giving with no strings attached, but strumming with no strings attached …… unless you’re playing Guitar Hero, it’s going to be a challenge.
I’ve been thinking about what it means to live with no strings attached; giving yourself fully to each moment with no expectation that your efforts are going to be rewarded, or even noticed, planning your next steps with no certainty of the outcomes, pouring yourself into a cause without knowing where it will take you or if it’s going to be effective.
Human character and ingenuity are incredible. There are so many strings on the bow of your resourcefulness. You can pluck at the heart strings of change with the flair of a maestro, weaving your way through the score of life. And yet a great deal of what takes place is beyond your control, and it’s in the moments when a string breaks that your true character is revealed. It’s in these times that you discover how attached you are to your strings and stories, and how flexible you are to play on anyway.
There is a famous story, untrue according to Snopes, but powerful in any case, about the Israeli violinist Itzhak Perlman.
Itzhak hobbled on stage and performed his nightly ritual of adjusting his leg braces, reminders of a childhood bout of polio, placing his crutches on the floor, positioning the violin under his chin and cueing the conductor. The first couple of bars went according to plan, but soon it was clear that he had broken one of his four strings. The audience imagined that he would now have to reattach his braces and hobble off stage, but instead Itzhak closed his eyes for a moment, prepared himself and nodded the conductor to continue. He played beautifully, mesmerizing the audience, recomposing the piece in his mind, defying the assumption that it’s not possible to play a violin with three strings.
Acceptance defies the assumption that things have to be perfect in order for you to participate. Acceptance gives you the freedom to be all you can be and do your best in any situation. Make beautiful music with what you’ve got. Use the words you can find. Live with all the skill you can muster. Throw yourself into the concerto of change with no strings attached, and maybe even with a broken string or two. It’s more than enough. You are more than enough. Like Itzhak Perlman, your passion and perseverance will carry their own inspiration beyond the purity of your performance.
Try this visualization to build the sort of flexibility that can only come with the gift of acceptance.
Picture yourself as a beautiful harp. Your shapely beauty is matched by your ancient, healing wisdom. You have an incredible blend of gentleness and strength. Your subtle sounds are held in a frame that is robust and commanding. Hands near your heart, play yourself like a harp. Let the reverberations of the strings run through your body, from head to toe. Let them fill every part of you, waking places that may have gone to sleep from long years of disconnect. Spreading healing energy throughout your body, shake your fingers out and feel the tingle of stale energy leaving your body.
When you are ready, become aware of the thoughts in your mind and feelings in your body. Just sit with them, with no judgment. Picture each thought, feeling, assumption, memory and story swirling in and around you. Some pass right through the space between the strings of the harp, and glide on by. Notice what passes you by but don’t chase it. You have no need for them right now. Other thoughts and feelings hit the strings, striking a chord that sounds way back to your past, bringing up old hurts and unresolved pain. You don’t even know where some of the hurt is coming from. Don’t strain. Just notice what’s sticking. Rather than battle against it, let it be, integrate it, and let it become part of your unique music.
Your mind, body and spirit have healing power in the same way that some musicians play by ear. You only need to listen, and the answers are all there. Accept all that arises without judgment. It’s all a gift as you improvise your way through change. It’s all making you wiser and stronger. Accept it all.
You have the inner acceptance to live your harp’s desire. Give thanks for your unique music which is unfolding in just the right beat and time, broken strings, wrong notes, and all. You’ve got the world on a string, sitting on a rainbow. You’ve got the string around your finger. What a world. What a life. You’re in love.
By : Ian Lawton
Visit him at : soulseeds.com
Releasing Comparisons: No One Is Perfect and We All Deserve Love....
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on September 6, 2014 at 7:50 AM||comments ()|
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt
I spent my teenage years and early twenties believing that my weight was my worth; that I had to look and be a particular way to be accepted or loved.
I lived in a negative cycle of comparing myself to everyone. I remember sitting in on one of my lectures in university, trying to work out if my lecturer was fatter or thinner than me.
I look back now and wonder how many times I missed the fun and parties I was too scared to go to because I felt too fat or uncool or whatever negative feeling I was dwelling on at the time.
At twenty-seven my boyfriend of three years dumped me, on the day I found out I was pregnant. Worse still, or so it felt at the time, just a few months later he had a new girlfriend, a beautiful girl, who was also a single mother.
I think the day I saw them together was the day I hit rock bottom. I cried so much and lost fourteen pounds in five days. I felt absolutely shattered and utterly worthless.
Why wasn’t I good enough?
How could he not want his own baby yet love another man’s child?
Was I too ugly?
Was I too fat?
Why wasn’t I lovable?
Destructive thoughts whizzed around my head in a very unhealthy manor.
I lost my baby, which also made me feel worthless.
His new girlfriend had everything I thought I wanted. She had the perfect body, she was absolutely gorgeous, she also had a baby, and the man I loved, loved her.
I had to learn to love myself. It wasn’t easy to start, but the first step was to stop comparing myself unfavorably to everyone, especially her.
It was destroying me.
With everything that happens to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat it as a gift.
I wallowed in self-pity, regret, and depression for eighteen months. One day I stumbled upon Dr. Wayne Dyer’s : Your Erroneous Zone. It was the book that woke me up and made me realize only I could change the way I was seeing myself and my past.
The past was gone, done, over. I couldn’t change it, no matter how much it hurt. I had to accept what was, and most importantly, I had to learn to see myself in a different light.
Here I how I did it.
At first I kept a list of everything nice anyone said to me.
I started a gratitude journal.
I went back to basics—appreciation, picking love over fear.
I learned that just because he didn’t love me, that didn’t mean that I’m unlovable.
Slowly but surely, I began to see my value.
I realized I was a worthwhile human being after all.
As a nutritionist, I help clients change their health everyday, so whenever I felt truly helpless I would find some who needed my help and offer it for free. Was it good business? Some would say no, but for me, it was therapy.
Kindness therapy, you get what you give. I was giving love, and in return I found myself. If you ever feel helpless, reach out and help someone. Smile at a stranger. It maybe the only person they see smile at them all day. You never know the ripple effect of the kindness you spread.
I wrote articles on nutrition for magazines. At first, I think this was to give me validation. Seeing my name printed in a magazine must mean I’m a worthwhile human being, right?
But the letters of gratitude I received made me realize that I knew things that could help people. One lady wrote to me saying her daughter’s behavior had improved dramatically after she implemented the changes I had suggested.
These small things helped me realize that while I may not look like a Victoria’s Secret model, like my ex’s new girlfriend, I am still a worthwhile human being who has the ability to help people.
I also started to see that even those who appear to “have it all” to the outside world often still have their own issues going on. I realized that having looks like a Victoria’s Secret model doesn’t protect you from heartbreak or sadness, a fact I had ignored until now.
Cheryl Cole is one of the most beautiful women in show business, yet her husband cheated on her.
We have to love ourselves. Comparison and envy are destructive forces that steal away contentment and block the flow of love. We don’t have to prove we are good enough to anyone; we just have to realize we were born worthy of love, and we’re lovable exactly as we are.
I’ve learned that there will always be people who are more and less attractive than me. However, beauty is subjective, and we all have different taste.
I believe beauty is a characteristic of a person. Beauty comes from a person’s soul. Beauty is in a person’s actions, how they treat people, how they care about people, and who they are as a person.
So don’t live a half-life comparing yourself to others. Comparison of any form is destructive. Downward comparisons can make you vain and upward comparisons can make you bitter.
We all—every single human being—deserve to be loved by others and to love others. But first we need to love ourselves.
Love yourself just as you are. You as much as anyone else in the world deserve your own love.
By : Kirsten Davies
Visit her at : http://www.thefoodremedy.com/
5 Practical Methods To Increase Your Energy Level....
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on September 3, 2014 at 8:25 AM||comments ()|
1. Exercise- Regular exercise strengths your body and creates natural energy. Exercising releases endorphins (A chemical in the brain) which increase your mood, energy, and well-being. These benefits will outweigh the time and effort you put into exercising or working out. A practical way for a leader to exercise is to implement it into their daily routine.
Three ways you can begin to adapt this method include: Parking at the end of a parking lot, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, or doing some cardio during a break. This can take a little time but if you implement these types of habits into your daily life you will see the results.
2. Mindset- Your thoughts and mindset can determine your energy level. If you walk around all day saying things similar to “I’m so tired” or “I need rest” then your body is going to consider those thoughts as real, in turn it will impact your energy level. This is why it’s crucial to focus on and think about the energy level you want and not your current feelings. This might mean you have to fake it until your body and mind starts agreeing with you.
3. Personal Growth- One of the benefits to personal growth and development is that it has the power to increase your energy and motivation. Your growth generates energy. This is because when you read, attend a conference, listen to audio, or are mentored the result is that you will leave the activity inspired, motivated, and reenergized. Just take a minute to think about the last time you read or listened to personal growth content. How did that content make you feel during and after? If you’re like most people it caused you to fee inspired and energized to take action.
4. Sleep- Those who get enough sleep on a regular basis can positively impact their immune system, mental composite, work effectiveness, and energy level. This is because sleep rests your body and recharges you. The opposite is also true for those who forsake sleep. This is why it’s important for you to figure out how many hours of sleep your body needs each night and then discipline yourself to obtain that amount on a regular basis. During your day you can also take advantage of a short (I recommend a 15-20 minute) nap. When you feel tired or have low energy a powernap can boost your energy level.
5. Relationships- The relationships you have and those you associate with can greatly determine your energy level. Leadership is about being and influencing those around you which takes effort and energy. However, the truth is some people cause you to be energized while others drain your energy. To avoid the relationships that negatively impact your energy and leadership be intentional about people you spend the majority of your time with. You should care and value everyone while investing your time on the relationships that reap a mutual return. Take time to find and place the right people in your inner circle and on your team.
By : Dan Black
Visit him at : http://danblackonleadership.info/
You're Not Bad; You're Crying Out for Help....
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on August 18, 2014 at 8:05 PM||comments ()|
A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.”
My fourth grade teacher was named Mrs. King, and she was a no-nonsense, fairly stern presence who enforced the rules and kept us kids in line. I was a timid kid who wouldn’t have dared to break rules anyway, and I assumed that Mrs. King didn’t like any of us, especially not me.
The only time we left Mrs. King’s classroom was to have our hour a week of “Music,” which meant trouping off to a downstairs room that contained a piano and a slightly manic woman who played us old folk songs to sing along with, like “Waltzing Matilda” and “Sixteen Tons.”
One day in music class I transformed into a bad kid. Instead of quietly following the rules, I made cat noises during the songs. I poked other girls in the ribs. I loudly whispered forbidden things, like “Linda is a peepee head.”
I don’t remember even wondering why this transformation had happened to me. It just happened.
As we trouped back upstairs I felt defiant, but when I heard several of my classmates telling Mrs. King about my behavior, I began to deflate. “Ann was bad in music class,” one of them said. “She was meowing in the songs,” added another.
“Ann,” said Mrs. King, “please come with me.”
I was struck dumb with terror. Now I was going to discover what happened to bad kids. I didn’t know what it would be, but I was sure I wasn’t going to like it. Shaking, I followed Mrs. King out into the hall, and into the tiny teacher’s lounge. We sat down.
“Ann,” she said. I didn’t dare look at her. My heart was pounding. What was she going to say about my misbehavior? What was my punishment going to be?
The silence stretched on, and I realized she was waiting for me to look at her. I dared to peek at Mrs. King’s face, and I was astonished. I had never seen such compassion.
She said, “I know your dog died…”
It was true. A few weeks before, out on a walk with my beloved dog Trixie, I had let her off the leash, and she had been hit by a car when running across a street to rejoin me. My parents had quickly bought me another pet.
There were no models in my family for allowing feelings to emerge. I remember being mystified when I saw my brother briefly weep for Trixie—and he hadn’t even been there when she was killed. I hadn’t been aware of feeling anything at all.
In the teacher’s lounge with Mrs. King, under her kind gaze, my eyes filled up with tears. I nodded. Yes, my dog had died.
“Maybe you would like to write a story about your dog. I know you like to write. Maybe you could give it a different ending if you want.”
I did write that story, but even before I began, the shift had already happened. I had my self back. It was okay to feel sadness and shock.
There was room in the world for my feelings, because someone with compassion had seen them.
Having feelings in response to events is normal. When we can share those feelings with caring family and friends, it allows the feelings to go through a natural cycle of change.
Understandings surface: “Oh, now I see what bothered me so much.” Our circle of support strengthens. After a while we feel refreshed, stronger, ready to go on.
Many people, though, grow up, as I did, in a family and a culture where feelings are not welcome. Feelings are embarrassing, or they show we are weak, or they are something we “just don’t do” and nobody talks about.
In some kinds of families, feelings are actually dangerous. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
When we repress and deny our feelings, we cut off a natural process of healing and self-understanding. When that avenue is closed, what is left to us is “acting out”—being “bad,” being depressed, addictive behavior of all kinds.
Many of us deaden our feelings with unhealthy food, drugs and alcohol, video games, overwork. At some level we feel deeply out of balance, but we suppress that too.
This can lead to a feeling of being inwardly at war, trying to stop whatever it is, feeling ashamed, yet finding ourselves still doing what we don’t want to do.
What can change this is a process of bringing compassionate understanding to our warring parts, a process I call Inner Relationship Focusing.
First, slow down. Pause and make contact with your body.
Use this kind of language to describe the inner war: “Something in me wants to eat potato chips, and something in me says that that is disgusting.”
Then say hello to each of the parts you have identified. “Hello, I know you are there.” (Notice how that already shifts how all this feels).
Next, assume, as Mrs. King did with me, that there is some life-serving reason why each part is behaving as it is.
Lastly, ask each one: “What might you be wanting to help me with?” Wait for the answer to come from inside. When an answer comes, let it know you hear it. Don’t try to make it change. Change comes when something you feel is deeply heard with compassion.
I am so grateful for all the ways that compassion shows up in my life. I have learned that every part of me is trying to save my life. And in bringing compassionate inner listening to my warring parts, I have healed from writer’s block, addictions, and social anxiety, to name just a few.
And I never cease being grateful to Mrs. King, who showed me that day long ago that someone can look past outer “bad” behavior to the worthwhile person inside. A deep bow to you, Mrs. King.
By : Ann Weiser Cornell
She is co-developer, with Barbara McGavin, of Inner Relationship Focusing, and author of The Power of Focusing and The Radical Acceptance of Everything.
Visit her at : http://focusingresources.com/
5 Techniques For People Who've Tried Everything But Still Can't Meditate....
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on August 13, 2014 at 6:35 AM||comments ()|
You just can't meditate. You want to, you've tried to, but you just can't seem to switch the brain off or relax enough. You know how good meditation is for the mind, body and spirit and have read about it on health and wellness websites, social media and medical reviews.
You are not alone, and there's nothing wrong with you! As a yoga and meditation teacher I can say that many of my students feel exactly like this. By the end of this article, you'll feel a whole lot different about meditation!
Meditation can take different forms, but at its center it's about being really present and aware. Aware of what is going on inside and outside of yourself and accepting that. Meditation is also about learning to allow yourself to flow with life and being centered so you aren't at the mercy of your thoughts, emotions, people or events.
So let's dive right into how you can start meditating right away, without even knowing it!
1. Do an everyday task:-
Choose something you already do every day, like brushing your teeth, having your morning cup of coffee or ironing your clothes. The next time you start this task, focus on it. Bring your awareness to what you are doing using all your senses.
If you're having your coffee, smell the aroma, feel the warmth of the cup as you wrap your hands around it, taste the warmth and follow that warmth as you swallow. When you bring all your senses to a task and focus on this, you're in the present moment. That's the essence of meditation!
2. Take a bath or shower:-
Bathing is one of the few times we're happy to be alone and have privacy. We don't have computers, phones, or interruptions, and we can just be. A quick note here — if you do have computers or phones in the bath or shower with you, then you may need meditation more than you think!
Bring your awareness to the task at hand and mindfully focus all your senses on what you're doing and feeling. There's something about water that slows us down, relaxes us and cleanses and purifies. Use this state to help you unwind, enjoy and become aware of the joy of being. If you practice this you'll be amazed at how light and clean you feel on the inside and on the outside!
3. Do something creative:-
When we engage in a creative interest or passion, we are in fact doing a form of meditation. Creating allows us to focus on what's in front of us and stops us from thinking about the past or worrying about the future. We are just in the midst of an absorbing process, full of the joy of creating and all its potential. Whether you paint, rock climb, pole dance or garden, anything you love will help transport you to the now.
So keep up your hobbies and passions, or start something today if you've let life crowd out your time for creativity. Start where you are, scheduling in creative time once a month, a week or sprinkle creativity into your everyday life!
4. Go for a walk:-
You can walk anywhere, but if possible choose places you love, such as the ocean, forest or mountains. There's an energy that calls to us in these types of places. Regardless of where you walk, the point once again is to really be there. Feel the weather around you (the warmth of the sun, the breeze, the snow), be aware of how your feet connect to the earth and how your body moves.
What can you see and hear? What is the quality of your breath flowing in and out of your nostrils? How do you feel in this moment? When we do this, we truly experience what it means to be alive and mindful.
5. Join a meditation group:-
OK, so with this one you'll definitely know you're meditating, but it won't be difficult or scary. Joining a group is a fantastic way to go because you're with like minded people and are more likely to follow through on practicing due to peer support and accountability. There's the added bonus of making new friends! There are plenty of groups for you to choose from, so it won't be difficult to find one that suits you and your lifestyle.
So there you have it, five super simple but powerful ways to begin meditating today! Get to it and watch what happens!
By : Tina Bindon
Visit her at : http://www.tinabindon.com/
Make Each Moment Count....
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on August 8, 2014 at 8:00 AM||comments ()|
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on August 8, 2014 at 6:45 AM||comments ()|
How Sensitivity Can Be A Gift (And How To Give It To The World)....
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on August 5, 2014 at 7:35 AM||comments ()|
“We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain.”
Are you good at noticing subtle details? Are you able to learn without really being aware that you are learning? Do you notice other people’s moods? Do these moods affect you?
Are you sensitive to pain? Are you equally sensitive to beauty?
If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you, like me, are a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). Chances are, you are constantly trying to make sense of how being sensitive fits into a world where a certain amount of insensitivity is seen as the key to getting ahead.
Chances are, you have both deeply valued your sensitivity and pushed away from it. While it makes up the core of who you are, it also makes life complicated.
Like you, I have struggled with being sensitive. First, it was because I had absorbed the cultural definition of sensitivity as weakness. And then when I did start understanding what being an HSP meant, starting from reading Elaine Aron’s classic The Highly Sensitive Person, I struggled to integrate this knowledge in my life.
Today, while I still find my sensitivity tricky, I have started seeing it differently. Now, when I think about sensitivity, the picture that comes to mind is of a thoroughbred horse.
This horse has a lot of nervous energy. It also has many gifts.
When I can direct this horse properly, it has the capability to perform at the highest standards. But if I misunderstand it, the horse’s energy is scattered, out of control. It can’t even get out of the gate.
So, how do we guide and direct this horse? How do we gallop out into the world instead of shying away from it? How do we bring our sensitive gifts to life?
Let’s look for some answers.
As sensitive people, we first need to ask: What holds me up?
At some point in your life, you might have absorbed the words that most HSPs hear: “You are too sensitive,” “You feel too much.” You might have believed these negative injunctions and gone through life in the absence of people who could see your gifts and champion them.
If you are still looking for those people, now is the time to go on a quest for them. While it may take time to find a friend or adviser, the process of exploring can itself be rewarding.
As an HSP, I have greatly benefited from being a part of online HSP groups. They help me see that I am not the only one having my experiences. I have also found people walking ahead on the path, and seeing them lead their lives shows me the way for leading mine.
We all need this—to be seen and validated for who we are. And when we find our believing mirrors, whether HSPs or non-HSPs, we can have the containers that shelter us from the storms of over-stimulation and anxiety.
And while we are working to find our champions, we also need to move inside and learn how to give ourselves what we need. When I moved from India to the United States two years back, I struggled with exactly this. In the absence of a support network, I did not know how to take care of myself.
How could I give myself love and attention? Wasn’t it what someone else gave to you?
Then, out of sheer necessity and through some trial and error, I started getting a glimpse of what nourishing ourselves means. I volunteered as a reading tutor, took photography classes, and embarked on my dream of being a writer.
In those moments when I felt connected to something bigger, I felt whole. There was nothing missing.
I started understanding that this was my area of growth, that this is what Elaine Aron means when she says that “part of maturing into wisdom is transferring more and more of your sense of security from the tangible to the intangible containers.”
So, think of all your safe harbors, all the containers in your life. Do you have enough of the intangible ones—work, faith in something bigger, a spiritual practice? Know that you can create an internal structure that holds you up, that sustains you emotionally even as people move away or life changes.
Once you have this inner stability, you can ask:
How do I participate in the world more?
As an HSP, being on the margins of the culture might have contributed to you feeling “less than.” Or you might have had a traumatic experience that you felt keenly, and you might not have found your way out of it.
Whatever the basis of low self-esteem, the truth is that without having a basic sense of self, we are adrift. Among other things, one of the reasons that I clung on to my ill-suited corporate job for years was the feeling that I would crumble into nothing without it. And I wasn’t very sure that I deserved something better.
In his wonderful Honoring the Self, Nathaniel Branden talks about this, and says, “The greatest barrier to achievement and success is not lack of talent or ability but rather, the fact that achievement and success, above a certain level, are outside our self concept, our image of who we are and what is appropriate to us.”
So, if we don’t believe that we deserve something better, we will often unconsciously put up barriers to getting it. The good news is that we can build our sense of self, brick by brick.
I strengthened my self-esteem by taking small risks, which grew into something bigger.
I left my low self-worth job for a better one. I freelanced on the side.
In effect, I worked hard and took concrete actions to earn my own respect.
Having once earned it though, it’s important that we keep acting to maintain our self-belief. For some time during my transition to the United States, my sense of self became shaky again. In the last several months, I have started remembering what I had learned—that action builds our sense of self.
I started to take risks again. One of them was coming out as an HSP through my writing.
My entire experience of life has been colored by my sensitivity, and yet I felt like it was something I needed to hide, fearful that people would label me. They still might. But I am a little more okay with sharing myself discerningly; reaching out in those spaces where I feel it can be helpful to others.
Whoever you are, wherever you stand, the task of building yourself up and finding your lost spaces is not going to be easy. But it is going to be worth it when you can stand in your center, and live from that place.
In the end, the fundamental question that we are all asking is:
How can I be more of myself?
As HSPS, we have the additional task of unlearning all that we have learned. We might have adapted in the wrong ways. Instead of learning to manage our feelings of overwhelm, we might have started avoiding the world altogether. Or we might have shrunk inside, hurt at being misunderstood.
But the world needs people like us—people who can empathize, who care, who can feel others’ pain. It is both our privilege as well as our challenge to learn how to do this effectively.
We need to take up more space, to show up as who we are. We need to unfurl.
It’s time to bring our sensitive gifts into this world.
By : Ritu Kaushal
Visit her at : http://www.walkingthroughtransitions.com/
How To Rise Above Difficult Circumstances And Be Happy....
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on July 31, 2014 at 7:55 AM||comments ()|
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
I first got wind of this transformative concept when I was a teenager reading Man’s Search For Meaning.
It has played beautifully into what has become my life theme: how people transcend their adversities. I’ve forever been inspired by how (some) people can go through so much and yet be able to rise above and live well. I call it living well despite…
It seems to boil down to something beyond circumstance and external situations. Because, as we all know, there are so many people who have gone through terrible situations and yet manage to be upbeat and strong, and push forward in their lives; and yet others who sink into perpetual disappointment and despair. It seems to be a natural tendency to go one way or the other.
When I went through some of my darkest times—having a child born with disabilities and having the same child go through a year-long near-fatal medical crisis, whose outcome was nothing short of miraculous—it was Viktor Frankl’s concept of “man’s inner strength raising him above his outward fate” that I kept going back to, and that definitely helped me stay afloat and cope well.
With my former dark time, I fell pretty deep into despair, and only with the intense help of a gifted therapist was I able to get through the initial grief and grow into my new reality.
With the latter situation, I incorporated specific actions and thought patterns to help me along the terrifying year of my daughter’s life-threatening illness.
What makes some become better and some bitter?
I now have a new piece of fascinating information that ties in to my life theme.
I recently completed a certificate program in positive psychology. There is much proven research on just how much we can do to give ourselves that meaningful and joyful life we all naturally want; or I should say, that happiness we are all after.
Sonja Lyubomirsky, psychologist and researcher in the field of happiness and well-being, came up with a pie chart representation showing the three determinants of happiness. Lo and behold, circumstance is the smallest piece of the pie, at only a 10 percent contributor to our happiness.
Our genes make up 50 percent. And here’s the most powerful and influential piece of the pie: our behavior, our intentional activities, make up 40 percent of our happiness. This can really be the make-or-break part.
This means there’s a lot we can do to increase our life satisfaction, above and beyond our circumstances, negative as they may be.
So yes, we can rise above our difficult situations and we can become better, by first and foremost recognizing and acknowledging that we are not victims but rather active players and creators of our playing field, and then by intentionally reconstructing our views.
As Nietzsche wrote, “He who has why to live can bear almost any how.” We always need a reason to go on, especially when the road is slippery under our feet. It’s all too easy to fall and succumb. But just having this stick to hold onto to guide us can keep us on the path.
When my daughter was in a rehab hospital for nine months, what got me up each and every morning was the explicit purpose of being by her side as a cheerleader, encouraging her on her tough fight and climb up the mountain of human functions—from lifting her finger to walking again. It was a very steep ascent, one that entailed lots of grueling work.
It seems to be human nature to have a slant toward the negative. It’s very easy to spot the faults and issues in things. The good news is that even if we weren’t born a glass-half-full person, we can train ourselves to see more of the positive.
It’s about what we focus on. What do you hone in on—the rose or the thorn? When we take in the beauty of the rose, we start to notice other beauty around us. More comes into our purview.
Positive psychology professor, Tal Ben-Shahar states, “When you appreciate the good, the good appreciates.”
Permission to be Human:-
This means allowing ourselves to feel the gamut of emotions—the unpleasant ones that sometimes drive us to suppress them by numbing means, and the good ones.
Restricting the flow of painful feelings impedes the flow of the positive ones, for human emotions all flow through the same pipeline. We are blessed with a rich emotional make-up. We need to give ourselves permission to feel. This helps create a rich, authentic life.
Once we are aware of our feelings, we can then choose how we act and respond.
Choose to Choose:-
At every moment we have a choice. Are we even aware of this? We can choose to take things for granted or appreciate the good; we can choose to view failure as a catastrophe or as a learning opportunity; we can choose to succumb or make the best of what happens.
We can walk in the street with our head down (in our phones) or look up and smile at people, which sends in and out positivity.
So, when the rough times come or the bad things happen, are we able to find or make some good? Can we find the silver lining? Can we look to make lemonade out of lemons?
When adversity hits, we can become better; we can rise above; we can even grow beyond and do things we never thought we could. We now know it’s more in our power than we may like to believe.
It may sometimes feel easier to be a victim, but it’s certainly not a role that leads to a fulfilling, satisfying, and meaningful life.
Our choices, both concrete and attitudinal, make up this 40 percent of the pie, and this can make us better above and beyond the other half.
“Things don’t necessarily happen for the best, but some people are able to make the best of things that happen.” ~Tal Ben-Shahar
By : Harriet Cabelly
Visit her at : http://rebuildlifenow.com/
Why We Talk More Than We Listen And What We Gain When We Stop....
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on July 28, 2014 at 6:55 AM||comments ()|
“What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.”
– Brene Brown
I like to talk. A lot.
It’s how I get ideas and work through concepts I’m not quite clear on. It’s how I get myself motivated or calm myself down.
If you let me, I would probably talk your ear off all day. As a creative grasshopper, my mind runs a mile a minute, and has no shortage of ideas to explore.
But a conversation in which people are talking, but not listening, is not really a conversation. It’s selfish, unsatisfying, and does absolutely nothing to build real connections.
As much as I like to talk, what I really want is to connect.
I talk about what I do because I crave appreciation and admiration. I want to inspire someone.
I talk about what’s on my mind because I want to know that I’m not alone. I want to feel accepted and validated.
I talk about what I know about anything because I want to show that I have something to offer. That I’m worth listening to, and wanting to be around.
But no matter how much I want to be accepted, loved, and appreciated, over the years I have learned that talking is not always the way to get these things.
For a talkaholic, talking is asking: for attention, praise, acceptance, love.
But talking is not really giving. It feels like giving to us, but it isn’t.
I may think that by telling my friend about what I do I’m inspiring her, but she has other worries and blocks that are keeping her from ever applying what insights she may gain from my overly generous monologue.
I may think that by espousing my opinion about everything under the sun I’m showing that I’m a worthy conversation partner, but people have their own opinions, and feeling like their opinions are heard is much more valuable to them than listening to mine.
It took many years of being bullied and feeling alienated before I realized that my strategy for getting me the things I wanted was backfiring and getting me the opposite.
I used to kick myself for that. Why couldn’t I learn faster? Why couldn’t I just be there already?
Just like every engrained habit, I realized that talking too much and listening too little was comfortable, even if it didn’t feel that way.
The reality is that listening is much more vulnerable for me than sharing even my best kept secrets.
When I’m listening, giving the other person my full attention, holding space for them, I feel vulnerable because they have control over the conversation.
All of a sudden, I’m left open and naked.
My thoughts are free to race, and keeping them focused on the other person is tough, just like meditating. Talking a mile a minute is so much easier.
By not spouting out my ideas and beliefs, I’m letting the other person form their own opinion of me. Instead of trying to direct it. I am “just me,” and I can’t put on a mask through my words, opinions, and knowledge.
A long time ago I made a commitment to be minimalistically myself—naked and raw, unapologetically open and authentic. No excuses. No drama. No frills.
On this journey of rediscovery I learned that my true self does not need a mask.
I don’t need to let my ideas and systems march forward to create a better impression. I now know that everyone else is just as broken as I am, and the cracks only have as much importance as you give them.
I don’t need to always share a story of my own in order to connect. My heart knows how to connect without my help.
I don’t need to give everyone the brilliant solution they need. I’ve learned that I can be most helpful when I just give people the space they so desperately need; then they are free to discover their own solutions, and are much more open to seeing and implementing them.
Learning to listen is a lifelong journey, one that is definitely not easy for a talkaholic like me. But the joy that comes with the rewards makes up for the pain and effort. Achievements are, after all, only worth as much as the time put in.
Talking about my achievements, opinions, conclusions, and lessons learned is a lot of fun. But listening for an hour, really connecting, fully being there, and watching the other person relax, unfurl, and bloom is priceless.
What changes have you made to become a better listener? What have you learned about yourself along the way?
By : Laura G. Jones
Visit her at : http://lauragjones.com/blog/
Humanity : Seed Of Encouragement....
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on July 14, 2014 at 7:20 AM||comments ()|
Be patient. All of us are doing our best to stand up and reach our full potential.
Take every chance to whisper words of encouragement, especially to those who are faltering.
Life is not a competition. It’s an opportunity to feel the joy of seeing others thrive, and using your words to raise them up.
Why We Don't Need To Try So Hard To Be Happy....
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on July 4, 2014 at 8:40 AM||comments ()|
“Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.”
Everywhere we turn these days we seem to be bombarded by it. TV commercials try to lure you into buying their products on the promise they will give you it. Magazines scream it from the front pages via sultry images and sexy block titles. Gossip magazines practically have a mission statement that fame will guarantee it. Corporations equate money with it.
So what exactly is it? What’s this one common denominator that seems to be a worldwide obsession? Happiness!
There are thousands upon thousands of articles, seminars, webinars, TV shows, and more that try to teach us how to achieve it. How to be a happier you. How to make your family happy. And, not forgetting our furry friends: How to make your pet happier.
It’s as if happiness is some salient commodity that will come to us if we just. Try. Hard. Enough.
We are repeatedly told that it’s floating around out there in the world and that it can be ours. Just look at the model on the front cover of that magazine practically flaunting it with her beaming pearly white smile. Even Pharrell is in on the game and wants us to be HAPPY (and maybe do a little happy jig).
I don’t know about you, but I’ve been seeing these types of juicy promises for years and, quite literally, bought right into it. Sure, if I just [insert the blank] enough, I will be happy. Surely this begs the question, have we pushed happiness over the cognitive horizon?
Think about it, the purpose of all these happiness-promisers, when you scratch behind the surface, is more likely the pursuit of profit rather than the pursuit of happiness. There’s usually a reason they keep touting the wonders of this magic commodity—it sells!
People love to read about quick fixes, how-to’s, and how not-to’s and willingly part with their hard earned cash to learn these supposed secrets. Spoiler alert…there are no secrets!
If we choose to believe that what we as a collective species yearn for is just out of our grasp then will we keep hunting forever. Perhaps we need to take a fresh look at what happiness actually is and whether it really is attainable by following steps one, two, or three.
Is it even designed to be a constant state of being? Who really walks around all day with a huge grin plastered on their face without the aid of narcotic substances or a seriously deranged mindset?
The first mistake is in believing that happiness is outside of us, and something that needs to be attained. It’s not. It’s a state of being, an emotion that can pass through us when we least expect it, usually when we aren’t paying it any attention.
It can creep up silently sometimes for just a few minutes at a time before it skulks away from whence it came. As humans, we have a myriad of emotions and as women, add a few hundred more on top of that.
In just one day we can feel a sense of love, pain, loss, betrayal, jealousy, anger, or laughter. I don’t think that as humans we are designed to have one singular constant emotion; we are complicated creatures.
So why don’t you see the media touting other less fun emotions? Why don’t we see articles titled “20 Ways to Feel Sadder,” “How to Cultivate More Rage into Your Life,” or “How Not to Ugly Cry”? No one would buy it! So why should we buy into the idea that we should be happy all the time?
Some of my happiest moments have been unexpected. I find it’s usually when my brain is engaged in the flow of another activity I really enjoy that I feel a sudden sense of complete happiness.
Another happiness inducer for me is being out in nature. That makes me feel really happy.
There is no one-size-fits-all happiness inducer. It can vary from hanging out with your kids or your pets to a simple walk on the beach to cooking a family meal.
My point is that it is not something that you have to work toward in the future, for it is not obtained through external effort. It is within us and we carry the possibility of it within us at all times whether we realize it or not.
Once we understand that happiness is not something that we can buy, sell, trade, or exchange, we don’t need to worry so much when we have a bad day.
However, do pay attention when it’s a great day, a positive day. Be thankful for it and acknowledge it. That way, when the smiley face pops up again (and it will, for nothing accelerates the good stuff in life like gratitude does) you are aware of it, again and again.
It can even be a feeling that you start to look forward to, like a best friend popping over for a cup of tea and a chat. Understand and accept that the feeling is temporary but will return. After all, if you’re best friend popped over and announced she was going to be saying a while, like the rest-of-your-life-awhile you might not be so happy about that.
If we didn’t have the sad, cry-on-your-way-home days, how could we learn to really appreciate the fun, exciting days?
So, stop reaching, searching, and trying to buy your slice of happiness, as it’s not something that is out of your reach.
Know that, and next time you’re standing in line at the grocery store, don’t reach for the magazine promising you the Disney fairy tale happy ending. It doesn’t exist—it’s a fairy tale!
Instead, smile at the cashier and wish her a lovely day. You will make her day a little happier and in doing so, maybe some of that magic will rub off on you.
By : Victoria Cox
Power Of Kindness....
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on June 26, 2014 at 7:40 AM||comments ()|
6 Secrets To Moving On From Serious Struggles....
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on June 23, 2014 at 6:00 AM||comments ()|
“Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.” ~Unknown
People who knew me ten years ago would probably expect me to be dead now. They wouldn’t expect me to have escaped my problems. They wouldn’t expect me to have stopped drinking, drugging, taking overdoses, and cutting my arms.
People who knew me ten years ago saw a scared shell of a girl, terrified of her own shadow and on a mission to self-destruct. They wouldn’t expect me to have turned my life around completely. They certainly wouldn’t expect me to be sharing my story and helping others to let go of their struggles, too.
But then those people who knew me ten years ago didn’t know that I would find the secret to moving on from my struggles. I didn’t know it back then either; I thought that there was no hope for me, and that I would never be over my woes.
The secrets to moving on came to me slowly. It took years of suffering from anxiety and alcoholism before I found my solution, but it was worth the wait. Whatever your problems, and no matter how inescapable you think they are, the answers are always universal.
Here are six secrets to moving on from your struggles:
1. Draw a line:-
When you’ve decided that you’ve had enough of suffering, of tying yourself up in the same old knots and landing up in the same dead ends, draw yourself a nice mental line to mark your decision. Everything up until now was the part of the problem, and everything from now on is a learning experience.
Use that mental page break to give yourself new courage and enthusiasm for the healing process. Leave any guilt and shame firmly in the past. Decide that no matter what happens, from now on you will do your best to break away from your negative patterns and never give up on trying.
It’s okay to screw up, to cry sometimes, or to find it hard, as long as you never move back into that space where you’re not willing to try. Let your attitude be part of the solution to your problems; focus on living, learning, and breaking free. Take at least one extra step forward every time you stumble.
2. Learn from others:-
When an emotional or mental problem is holding you back, don’t try to cope with it all on your own. If you’ve ended up in a sticky place or a cycle of self-sabotage, your own thought processes and feelings will have aided and abetted you. In order to get out of the hole, you must be willing to learn from other people.
I have always found that those who have previously been down the same rabbit hole are the best people to give you advice and a helping hand. Hang onto the hope they present, learn their lessons, and see how the decisions they made have helped them to succeed in moving on.
See the patterns in others’ successes, and look for people who live the solutions. If people appear bound by bitterness and negativity, they’re probably not the ones to help you. Look for those who are truly free of their issues—the ones who you aspire to be. There is no need to struggle alone, when others can help you through.
3. Try everything:-
When it comes to particular problems, you may need to get specialist help to deal with them. You may feel you have tried so much, without success, to find the solutions to your issues that you will never find an answer. I know that trap; I nearly gave up, myself, on the quest to beat my anxiety disorder.
Counseling, books, courses, pills, potions, and therapy had not provided any solutions. I had almost given up hope. I am so glad I didn’t.
The last thing I tried was something I had never considered, and it happened to be the one method that gave me back my life. Try everything; think outside the box. The answer is only irretrievable if you stop looking for it.
4. Let go:-
To truly move on, you must let go of blame, resentment, and anger. Realize that negative feelings are counter-productive. However justified you feel they are, it is only hurting you to hold onto them. Forgive others so that you can be free to follow a new positive path.
Forgiving yourself is possibly the hardest part of letting go, but it’s also one of the most beneficial things you can do. Accept that you are only human, and humans make mistakes; it’s how we learn, after all. You did the best you knew how to at the time, and now you’re willing to admit it didn’t work out so well.
Stop criticizing and chiding yourself. Talk to yourself kindly, like a patient teacher, rather than a harsh taskmaster. Unkind words will only make you feel frustrated and sad, dragging you back into that negative cycle. A warm, encouraging tone will help you get the best out of yourself.
5. Do what works:-
It sounds so simple, but people do what doesn’t work all the time. They wish things were different, bury their heads in the sand, or use sticking plasters that will come unstuck later on. I used alcohol to numb my anxiety disorder, not taking into account the alcohol dependence, the plummeting self-esteem, and the pancreatitis that would punish me for my choice later on.
Deal with reality to make sensible choices. Don’t allow anger, self-justification, or feelings of unfairness to stop you from doing the right thing. Sometimes the way we have to constantly battle and the things we have to do to solve our problems may feel unfair, but the alternative is staying stuck in pain and self-loathing.
Keep your end goals in mind when making decisions. Do what works on a consistent basis and you will eventually escape from your problems, making it worth the fight. The longer you keep doing what doesn’t work, the deeper the hole you will have to dig yourself out of.
6. Change your mind:-
The only permanent solution to our struggles is to change the mind that creates or perpetuates them. While your problems might not be of your own making, the endless suffering that comes as a result of them is down to the way you use your mind.
It may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility to work on the way you think if you want to be free.
My own mind-set kept me stuck for many years. It refused to acknowledge the good and was responsible for a lot of negative emotions and responses. It was only by practicing over and over to refocus my mind that my feelings, and responses to life, became more positive.
Watch what you’re feeding your mind, as well. If you’re feeding it a diet of dross and negativity, don’t be surprised if it’s not all that helpful. Educate yourself, and surround yourself with good, supportive people.
Your mind and attitude are ultimately the things that can keep you stuck—or end your struggles. Learn to use them wisely, and you can overcome any problem, no matter how serious it seems. Having a supportive mind makes it much easier for you to see clearly, and to be happy and content, even in a life where challenges crop up.
By : Beth Burgess
Visit her at : http://www.smyls.co.uk/
*(She is a solution-focused therapist, coach and writer, specializing in addiction, anxiety disorders, stress, self-esteem and mental wellbeing).*
The Purpose Of Human Life....
|Posted by Jeevan ॐ Mirthu Gupt on June 19, 2014 at 7:00 AM||comments ()|